Have you ever found that on some days, no matter how good your intentions, you just can’t manage to get around to doing what you said you most wanted to do?
No matter what we’re trying to do—say, establish a new habit such as meditation, exercising more often, eating more healthfully, or diving into a new creative hobby—there will be days when life gets in the way. We may feel too tired; some emergency might arise; or we might simply forget to do what we had very good intentions of doing.
It’s exactly in these moments of failure that we need to offer ourselves some self-compassion. In fact, the whole creative process needs to be a compassionate one.
The compassionate road to creativity
One of the keys to creativity is testing different solutions to a problem—that is, iterating on the solutions and the design that you’ve come up with. Simply put, this means the first few attempts we make are not necessarily going to be the end result. There will be moments of failure, and this is part of the creative process.
To pick ourselves up after a moment of failure (or perceived failure) and carry on, we need to offer ourselves some self-compassion, and it’s our mindfulness practice that can help us build that.
Self-compassion for failure simply means turning the lens of compassion back onto ourselves.
What do we mean by “self-compassion for failure”?
It simply means turning the lens of compassion back onto ourselves. That is, recognizing our own moments of stress and suffering and being motivated in those moments to come up with a solution to alleviate our stress and suffering. There’s a great deal of scientific evidence now that shows how self-compassion builds motivation: people who are self-compassionate tend to navigate failure better and tend to stick with behavior changes and habits they originally set out to change or establish.
Acknowledge, Admit, Accept
Here’s a three-step process of self-compassion, as outlined by one of the premier researchers in this field, Kristen Neff. This three-step process consists of, first, offering ourselves a moment of mindfulness.
When we’re feeling a sense of failure or feeling inadequate, or even navigating the stress that arises when we feel things are out of our control—we take a moment in there to acknowledge the facts, admit we don’t like those facts, but accept the way things are. The key things to remember is not to get caught up in the narrative or story about what’s happening and not to suppress any difficult emotions that may come up. We’re simply acknowledging that this moment is stressful.
The second step is to connect with our sense of common humanity. Take a moment to acknowledge that no matter what we might be going through, there are many other people just like us who’ve encountered the same difficulty. So, we’re not alone—this kind of failure or this kind of stress is just part of the human condition. This is not only true, it can help us feel less isolated in moments of imperfection. It’s a little easier to foster a sense of self-compassion for failure when we know we are never alone.
The third step is offering ourselves some kindness. Consider what you might say to a best friend if they were going through what you might be going through in this moment of stress.
A Simple Practice to Foster Self-Compassion for Failure
Let’s try this model of self-compassion through a practice, keeping a creative goal in mind as we go. Here’s also a guided audio version with Dr. Neff if you’d like to listen instead:
1. I invite you to sit up in a way that’s alert yet relaxed and close your eyes. Make sure both your feet are planted firmly on the floor to help stabilize you and ensure your back is straight but not rigid. Allow the front of your belly to be soft. You may rest your hands gently on your lap.
2. Let’s start by bringing to mind something in your life that’s not going well. Maybe it’s a creative goal you’ve been working on that hasn’t gone according to plan. Maybe you’ve encountered some kind of failure at work or at home. Or maybe you’re just dealing with a painful situation that’s beyond your control.
3. Keeping this situation in mind, let’s start the process of self-compassion with mindfulness: Take a moment to acknowledge things as they are, not as you wish them to be. Take this moment to acknowledge things exactly as they are.
4. You might say something like, “This is a moment of stress,” or, “I don’t like this, but this is the way it is right now.” Keep in mind we’re not trying to problem solve. We’re also not getting caught up in the story around the pain and stress. We’re simply staying present to what’s happening.
5. Next, bring to mind the fact that no matter what you’re going through, there have been many people who’ve been through the same experience before. You might say something like, “I’m not alone in this,” or, “This is simply a part of being human.”
6. And now I’d like you to offer yourself some kindness. If this were your best friend or a loved one who was going through what you’re going through, what might you say to them? What advice might you offer?
7. As you offer yourself the same kind of unconditional love and friendliness, I want you to send yourself a few wishes of well-being: May I be kind to myself. May I be patient and accepting of myself. May I be strong and resilient in this moment.
8. From this place of greater warmth and kindness for yourself, I’d like you to take a couple of deeper breaths at your own pace. And whenever you’re ready, open your eyes and rejoin this conversation.
Not Just Nice, But Essential
One thing that consistently stands out about Neff’s extensive research is this counterintuitive find: without self-compassion, it’s actually harder to change, heal, and grow. And that includes our creative endeavors.
We tend to think that being hard on ourselves will motivate us to do better—but it in reality, the opposite is true. Relentless self-criticism diminishes not only our enjoyment of the creative process, but also our ability to see into new possibilities. That fear of “not getting it right” stunts our creativity.
When we take the time to slow down, pay attention to our sense of “not-enough” in creative process, and offer that fear a little extra care, we’re actually holding the door open wider to fresh ideas, inspiration, and creative courage.
